You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
