I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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