so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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