Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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