from now on my penis is your penis
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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