she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
