I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
