I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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