turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
