You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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