Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
