life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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