Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
