don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
