After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
