as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
