If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize