My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
