So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
