you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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