got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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