no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
