It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
