onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
