Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
