Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
