dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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