I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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