I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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