Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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