I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
