I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
