I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize