perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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