btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
