sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
So squirting runs in the family.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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