so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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