I just cut my nipple shaving
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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