While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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