You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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