He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
