Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
