The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
