I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
