Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
