yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize