Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
