Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
