I'm going to jail i love you
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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