Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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