is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
My vagina just recognized that song.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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