Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
smell my finger.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
