i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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