Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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