just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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