I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
