You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
