the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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