see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
