you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
