Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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