Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So much rum. So many feels.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
