I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
