whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
