Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
