This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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