my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
