im six kinds of drunk right now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
