any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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