After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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