Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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