I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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